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Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius. ~ Thomas Carlyle
If a turtle loses its shell, is it homeless or naked? - George Carlin
Is there another word for synonym?
When sign makers go on strike, is there anything written on their signs?
If a mute child curses, does his mother wash his hands out with soap?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do they put Braille on drive-thru bank machines?
Do cannibals eat clowns, or would they taste funny?
Why do they sterilize the needle before giving a lethal injection?
If a mime is arrested, does he have the right to remain silent?
What would you call a wingless fly? A walk?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it's all about?
I want to know who the man is that looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them." - Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Waterson)
Sects, sects, sects - is that all monks think about?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
There's too much blood in my caffiene system!
Never knock at Death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
May your life be like a roll of toilet paper - long and useful.
It doesn't surprise me that penguins are monogamous for life, because they all look pretty much alike. It's not like they're going to find a better looking penguin someday. - Ellen DeGeneres
The reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.
History doesn't always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells, "Can't you remember anything I told you?"
On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic? - Lily Tomlin
If animals were not meant to be eaten, why are they made of meat?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If you eat pasta, and then eat antipasta, would you be hungry again?
Do people who are born again have two belly buttons?
Olive oil comes from squeezing olives. What about baby oil?
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
If a fortune-telling midget escaped from prison, the headline would read "Small Medium at Large".
The dish ran away with the spoon, but the union was only recognized in the state of Hawaii.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
If Fig Newtons are fruit and cake, then what the heck is fruitcake?
If you yell at your plants, do they still grow, but become troubled and insecure?
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed!
I'm a paranoid schizophrenic ~ I think I'm out to get me!
I don't have low self esteem. I just have low esteem for everyone else. - Daria
If a vacuum cleaner sucks, is it a good vacuum cleaner or a bad vacuum cleaner?
If pro is the opposite of con, is congress the opposite of progress?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
We spend the first 12 months of a child's life teaching him to walk and talk, and the next 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up. - Phyllis Diller
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. - G. K. Chesterton
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? - Steven Wright
Are female moths called myths?
Is a part-time band leader a semi-conductor?
Imagine a world with no hypothetical situations.
What do you say if you're talking to God and He sneezes?
If love is blind, is lingerie considered Braille?
Shouldn't a hemorrhoid be called an asteroid?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Do penguins have kness?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
If you're too open-minded, won't your brains fall out?
You learn more in getting your butt kicked than getting it kissed. - Tom Hanks
Follow your dreams! Except the ones where you show up to work naked.
The outcome of a raindance depends on timing.
The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Humor results when society says you can't scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public. - Tom Walsh
I wonder what goes through a dog's mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. - Penny Ward Moser
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is ~ it's always room temperature. - Steven Wright
Avoid cliches like the plague.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
Life is a razor ~ you are always either in hot water or a scrape.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
Some people say I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
What has four legs and one arm? A satisfied pitbull.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.
Don't try to keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level ~ it's cheaper.
The journey of a thousand miles starts with a cash advance.
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
God loves everyone, but prefers fruits of the Spirit over religious nuts.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
Every family tree has some sap in it.
In my next life I want to be a pessimist. Then other people could spend all their time cheering me up. - Katharine Whitehorn
Anyone who gives a surgeon six thousand dollars for breast augmentation should give some thought to investing a little more in brain augmentation. - Mike Royko
Repent or be damned! If you have already repented, please disregard this notice. - Patrick Murray
A little nonsense, now and then, is relished by the wisest men. ~ Unknown
Man was made at the end of a week's work, when God was tired. - Mark Twain
People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely, because chickens run about so absurdly that it is impossible to count them accurately. - Oscar Wilde
How can there be so much difference between a day off and an off day? - Larson
Why are their interstate highways in Hawaii?
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. - Mark Twain
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy? - Albert Einstein
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. - H. L. Mencken
Duct tape is like the Force ~ it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light," and there was still nothing, but everybody could see it.
The average person thinks he isn't.
Life is the whim of several billion cells to be you for awhile.
An existential map has "You are here" written all over it.
Deja moo - the feeling you've heard this bull before.
Last words of a fly: "Now how is he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"
The mighty oak was once a little nut who held its ground.
Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria! - Calvin & Hobbes
Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking. - Scarecrow (The Wizard of Oz)
Never interrupt your enemy while he is making a mistake. - Napoleon Bonaparte
The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid. - Richard Braunstein
If A equals success, then the formula is: A=X+Y+Z; X is work, Y is play, Z is keeping your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein
Never moon a warewolf.
While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are scarcely sufficient to service one woman. - Giovanni Boccaccio
Guilt ~ the gift that keeps on giving. - Erma Bombeck
If it weren't for caffeine, I'd have no personality whatsoever.
Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Life is a cement trampoline. - Howard Nordberg
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
What does cheese say when getting its picture taken?
If Federal Express and United Parcel Service were to merge, they would call it Fed-UP.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
The upper crust is just a lot of crumbs sticking together.
In the beginning was the word. And the word was "aardvark".
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Woody Allen
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harrass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill
His homework wasn't missing, it was having an "out of notebook experience".
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
A prune is a plum with experience.
Thou shalt not commit nincompoopery.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
I used to have a photographic memory, but I seem to be running out of film.
Even on the highest throne, we are still sitting on our butt. - Michel de Montaigne
The bureau of incomplete statistics reports that one out of three
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
When life hands you lemons, throw them at your neighbor.
Cheese ~ milk's leap toward immortality. - Clifton Fadiman
Pain is nature's way of saying, "Don't do that, Stupid!"
Wrinkled is not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
How can you be a good cookie if you have a crummy attitude?
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Half the people in the world are below average.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an idiot.
Clones are people two.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
Suburbia: Where they tear out all the trees and then name the streets after them.
Indecision may or may not be my problem. - Jimmy Buffet
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Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was slightly grey
It didn'thave a father,
Just some borrowed DNA
- Anonymous
Make friends with a dog when he is a puppy and he won't bite you when he grows up. But don't try that with a tiger cub. - Moishe Rosen
Do you ever have the feeling the TV is watching you?
To a dog, you're one of the family. To a cat, you're
one of the help.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID he just whipped out a quarter? - Steven Wright
I wish there was a bumper sticker that said, "My child is dumb, but I love him anyway".
Laughter is the jam on the toast of life. It adds flavor, keeps it from being too dry, and makes it easier to swallow. - Diane Johnson
Although I can accept talking scarecrows and lions, and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch. - Dave James
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder. - W. C. Fields
Don't criticize the coffee - you may be old and weak someday yourself.
Keep the earth clean ~ it's not Uranus!
Energizer Bunny Arrested - Charged with Battery.
Too many freaks, not enough sideshows.
Cats were once worshipped as gods ~ and they have never forgotten it!
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.
How many fundamentalists does it take to change a lightbulb? 27. Don't ask why.
How many geniuses does it take to change a lightbulb? It depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the lightbulb. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room ~ it's all relative.
Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness? - Artemus Ward
Old MacDonald was dyslexic, I-E-I-E-O. - Billy Connolly
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. - Steven Wright
I wonder if the other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
The Miss Universe Pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Chickens are the only animals we eat before they are born and after they are dead.
If you drop a glove into a mud puddle, the glove will get muddy, but the mud won't get glovey.
Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there. - Franklin P. Adams
I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever I need boiling water,I simply defrost it. - Gracie Allen
Life is like an onion. You pull it off a layer at a time, and sometimes you cry. - Carl Sandburg
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Remember: a bad hair day is a good hat day.
I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. - The Wizard of Oz
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Fortune Cookie Wisdom: "You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products."
Philosophers have argued for centuries about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, but materialists know it depends on whether they are jitterbugging or dancing cheek to cheek. - Tom Robbins
I get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
A gross ignoramous is 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramous.
Be a mental tourist ~ let your mind wander!
I'm only weird now, but I'm saving up to become eccentric.
I'm perfectly sane. The voices told me so!
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.
Help Wanted:Assistant Psychic. You know where to apply.
There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. - Oscar Levant
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: Magic and Bull.
If you fly a kite during a thunderstorm and discover that lightning is electricity, you're a genius. But if you discover that lightning can kill you, you're an idiot.
Deja Fu ~ the feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Sarchasm ~ the gulf between the author of a witty, biting remark and the recipient who doesn't get it.
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